About a week ago, one of the most special people in my life was diagnosed with cancer for the second time in a one year. I think that the best word that could define what I have been feeling is “anger”. I know that I could have said “confusion”, “sadness”, “fear” but no, I can clearly and with certainty can reassure you that is ANGER!
It took me a couple of days to reach to this conclusion but I’m glad I did. During another of my inspirational writting classes last week I started venting with the following phrase:
As I’m drifting away from the pain, my heart wishes to have the pressure released while flying free into the sky. The wind sets free my feelings and I embrace it.
I thought to myself, “well that is interesting”. At that moment I had not realized that I was so angry at the whole situation and how much I wanted to release all I was feeling inside. We were asked to visualize a room where one of our guides was waiting for us and he was going to help us with our writing. The interesting thing though is that instead of allowing my guide to “guide me” I actually started challenging him:
As I resist the help of my guide, his presence brought me to my knees. His light is very compassionate and patient but my heart is filled with anger and is unwilling to allow seeing beyond the pain. He waits patiently.
At this point, my level of reason was out of bounds and I just wanted to challenge all that has been known by me thus far:
Why should I trust you? Why should I follow your guidance? Why should I follow your teachings? I turn away and stand my ground and demand an explanation. Show me the light at the end of the tunnel but don’t ask me to follow you blindly as I consider this ignorant. Now I wait patiently.
In looking back, I hope that my guide didn’t think that I was rude to him as it was not my intention. I was determined to understand the circumstances and experiences in an effort to grow and teach at a deeper level. As I waited patiently for my guide to come through I received the following message:
Evolution, time, space it is all change. A breath, a smile to rest it is all change. While you are here on earth, life will continue to change and you will continue to see changes within you. Allow, resist, believe it is all change.
I stopped for a minute and gave this message some thought. I let go of my resistance for a moment and allowed myself to feel my guide getting a little bit closer.
I am free. I am self. I am spirit blending with my source. I am at peace. I am allowing. I am surrounded with my purple ray of love and knowledge. I am. That is what I was, have been and will always be. For eternity…
My guide is sharing his compassionate love in an attempt to heal my feelings. He continues to express what I have always known about who I am and where I come from. The thought doesn’t magically take my pain away but I slowly allow for his presence to bath me. After spending some time sitting in this loving energy, I let things go and allow myself to feel complete again.
My first reaction while I’m drifting away is that I’m not worthy of the love that I feel. I’m not worthy of the angelical presence surrounding me but the more I’m embraced the easier is just to let go and return home. This is where I belong. This is home.
Dear guide, thank you for your patience, teachings and unconditional love.